Dear Panjabi Guy
How are you? I know you will be bewildered to get a letter from me, knowing the fact I am not exactly a big fan of yours. Don’t be disheartened, but by the end of this letter you will probably know why and will agree with me as well. I might sound conceited here but I talk on behalf of all the girls around you. I have been single almost all my life and no, it’s not me who is to be blamed, it’s you and your kind.
Have you ever wondered why none of the girls pay you any attention despite the fact you stalk them to their college and back home? They don’t even spare you a look except maybe one glare and a few swear words they murmur. Don’t worry I will be the angel and solve the mystery for you, just read on. Reasons why not just me but all the girls are repulsed by you:
Reason #1: You use sunglasses even when they are not required and think you look really cool in them. Well, let me just tell you, you look like a monkey in those. You seem like a complete wannabe, what were you even thinking when you bought those fake Ray Bans?
Reason#2: Your spiked hair, I am sorry to comment on your appearance but spiked hair…seriously? They make you look like the guy from the havells advertisement. Why do you want to give an impression that every time you come out of your house, you have experienced a 220 volts shock? You are no stud spiking your hair like that, it will just make us pity you.
Reason#3: The above mentioned stalking is our reason#3. I mean who in their right mind stalks? Only maniacs’ stalk, why do you think a girl will fall for you if you bug her like this? Our lives are no old Hindi movies where Dev Anand followed the girl everywhere and did not give up till the girl said yes. That is not reality. Oh and if you are following the girls all throughout the city you apparently have free petrol supply, please be kind and get my car fuelled every weekend. I might end up falling for you then.
Reason#4: I have nothing against the language but Panjabi the way you speak it will make any girl run for her life. I mean just imagine if someone yells at you in the middle of the road “Oi kudiye mere naal fraanship kar le ?” Even if you don’t have those sunglasses and spiked hair your accented English with the all the Panjabi and Hindi thrown in will just invite the girls to make fun of you.
Reason#5: How many times have you seen a girl saying yes to a guy when he randomly approaches her, when she is with her friends? You see her for the first time, like her, see her for the second and go upto her. Tell her you can’t live without her and love her more than anyone else. Dude this is the worst thing you can do, embarrass her publicly and make a fool of you as well. She will only have the urge to get up and punch you right in the face.
Reason#6: You pass remarks whenever a group of girls passes by and laugh like that is the funniest thing to do. I don’t understand what thrills you and your cronies get out of being such perverts.
Reason#7: Yellow shoes, orange t-shirt and white pants. Need I say more? I have seen too many guys wearing such unacceptable clothes lately. Try not being one of those guys.
Reason#8: Your pick up line is “So chick, what is your pick.” Err…don’t look at me like that, one of your buddies actually asked me that. What do you even mean by what our pick is? Or maybe “My friends think I am gay, will you help me prove them wrong.” No, I don’t care if your friends think you are gay, you are likely to be gay to say that anyways. Fortunately no one has used the latter one with me.
Reason#9: Okay so you managed to take a girl out for a date, she barely knows you but you are telling her that you want to spend the rest of your life with her and are already ordering food for her. She will only want to get up and run away from you, and never see you again.
Reason#10: You think being brawny is what a girl wants, well friend let me just remove this illusion of yours, brains is what the beautiful people from Venus prefer. What do we do with your 8-pack abs and 20 inches biceps when your brains are as good as the starfish’s non-existent ones?
I now ask you a question, if you were a girl and I did all the above would you ever even give me a single thought? Although the girls have completely given hope on you but will be glad if you prove us wrong and be the good guy for once. I wonder why people in rest of the India think that I am lucky to live in the land where the best guys are found. How I wish they were right and I am tired of correcting this misconception of theirs.
Hoping to see a newer and improved version of you.
The girl who is sick of guys like you.