Found love in a Hopeless place?

This is my century post, 1ooth post. I thought of making it a celebration and happy post and was looking forward to write it since I had completed 95. Now I am doing exactly the opposite that s because I realized writing 100 posts is no big feat, I wrote 100 posts in two years  and a month which is approximately seven hundred and fifty  days. Now tell me does that sound good?

I started blogging because it helped me vent out what I felt at that point of time, eventually I began enjoying writing. But since then I am not sure if I have made any progress with my writing. I haven’t achieved much and this is not satisfying. Most of the stories I come up with are trashed, even I can’t bring myself to read those for the second time, let alone the readers . In last two years there have been atleast 5 times when I had the writers block. I dread it, not having anything to write is the most awful thing that can happen to a writer.

I love writing, but I am not sure if I will ever be a good writer. Therefore the title, did I find love in a hopeless place? Yeah I am forced to use the lyrics of Rihanna’s most crappy song. I think of writing a fictional novel and have lost the count of story lines I thought of and dumped. After the in-numerous tries I just have one idea now that I think will be good. This time I believe I won’t give it a second thought and just begin writing, letting it take its own course.

There are times when a write-up you think is good doesn’t get the kind of feedback you thought it will. That let’s you down, its disheartening. Anyways now I promise myself to discontinue disappointing myself. Seeing the past nineteen years of my life I guess this is the only place and thing I can do  about.  And hoping the next 100 doesn’t take another 750 days to come.

Monster vs Me

How would a kid who doesn’t like math react if you told him he no longer has to do it? I bet he will be ecstatic and dance the night away. That’s what I feel like doing right now after my fourth semester result.

In engineering you have math upto the fourth semester and its the hardest and most irrelevant subject. Basic math is fine and required in the core subjects, but some of it is just not essential and we are taught that for no reason. So after nineteen years of being in the battle ground with the monster, I finally won, emerging gloriously after the war. The last two years were the toughest, that’s when the monster had learnt to breathe fire. Night after night in exam months I tried to devise ways to tame the monster. And finally to my disbelief the feeble efforts paid off. I scored a pretty decent score in math for the last time and I’m glad I no longer have to do it.

I’m not a very keen engineer, I enjoy nothing in it except web-designing and the only subjects I liked in two years were data communications and operating systems. Also system programming to some extend but that was for some funny reasons I’m not disclosing here. All these subjects were in 4th semester. That would mean the former three were a complete waste. But I never detested any subject more than math. It came back every semester to haunt me and screw me up. Its a good feeling to know I no longer have to pick up a math book for, let’s say eternity. Yep, that sounds awesome.

I finally nailed it, still hard to digest the fact. All I can say is, math-game over. Let’s not face each other again, because now you know who the fire-breathing monster is. *evil grin*

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Letting go

Letting go- How do I define these two words? They are easier said than done. In our lives we might have to let go a lot of things, people, desires and dreams. The hardest part of anything we do is letting go, when these words cross paths with you, you know its time to forget everything, you know its the end. Its always better that we never end up being on the letting go end.

These thoughts may sound pensive, but life isn’t all hunky dory, we do come across situations when all hope is lost and there is no way we can elucidate, the only  solution we have is-letting go. Most of us are clueless when we have to let go something, when we have to stop being the part of something, someone, a dream or whatever it is.

I am not sure how you let go something, everyone probably has their own ways of doing that. I luckily never needed to do the letting go bit in my life. I have got what I want and am sure in future too I  will get what I want. You might think I am an over-confident, over-achieving soul patronizing people. Its absolutely not true, I nearly have no achievement to my credit when it comes to bigger things in life and I am not over-confident either. Its just I learnt to believe in myself, believe in what I do, believe in people around me. I learnt to see success in small things, find achievement in every little thing I do. That probably formed bigger steps and the letting go end never came.

Letting go has two aspects to it forgiving and forgetting. If you learn the rules of two f’s life becomes easy. The forgetting happens when you want to disassociate yourself from some past happening that didn’t  leave you happy and the forgiving is something we all should learn, not everyone around us is perfect. We are prone to mistakes and repeating those mistakes, its not easy to forgive someone or even yourself for a mistake. But we need to do that, not forgiving just makes us resentful and sulky.

The moment the two f’s come easily to us we learn to let go things. I don’t say you have to let go every single thing its always better to avoid a situation that might lead you to let go. When despair engulfs you and you have no solution, absolutely no solution that is when you take the harsh decision. I hope you never really have to put yourself through this.

 

Thanks for reading, if  you made it the end.

This isn’t my cup of tea.

I can’t bargain, not at all, not with the auto-wallah, the rickshaw wallah neither while I am street shopping. I am not good at it but does it matter? I am scorned upon due to this fact, people treat me like I am an invalid when it comes to bargaining. How can one bargain? I am never going to figure out the answer to that one question.

I always end up paying double the amount of money when I am traveling alone. When I am not alone, my friends  bully the poor auto-wallah to slash the prices till he agrees. I am just a mere spectator when these deals are discussed, standing like a child awestruck with the bargaining skills of the friends. Unfortunately we don’t have meter autos in Chandigarh.

When it comes to shopping, specially street shopping I either buy it or just let it be, bargaining is not just my cup of tea. I love shopping, like anyone else from planet Venus but I didn’t acquire the requisite skills for shopping. I definitely can’t bargain and I have an entire collection of clothes that I never saw again after purchasing. Those are signs of a bad shopper.

The best bargaining I ever did was with a traffic cop on the new year’s eve. He caught me for skipping a signal, I pleaded, begged, made innocent puppy faces and after half an hour of all that he let me go. It felt glorious, I was ecstatic. I saved my driving a license and 300 bucks. Apart from that I have never really bargained.

Its not that I have not tried at all, I do try but to no avail. I have this uncanny incapability of bargaining. What’s funnier is when people around me tell me its not a good thing. Does it really matter if I can bargain or not? Won’t change the world for me. So people around me stop pestering me about it.

On losing people

Have you ever lost a loved one? I don’t mean by death, but by some incident, that hurt that person and you equally. I lost a good friend last year due to some differences, that feeling wasn’t good and today again I fear I might have a lost another good friend. Again due to some differences. I know she cared for me and I cared for her equally but the circumstances were ugly and solution none.

The feeling has come back in a year. I am fortunate enough not to have lost someone because of death but this hurts equally or maybe more. You see the person nearly everyday, and the memories of the good days come back, the person is so near yet so far. You can’t do anything.

I have always said, I fear human emotions, they can really leave you in disbelief, you never know what kind of reaction your actions can bring out from a person. You really have to tread on this path of emotions more carefully than anywhere else. Trust once broken is always broken, the tears shed will always haunt you.
Its hard to deal with such situations, this wound is harder to heal than any other injury.

I can hope now just hope that today’s situation does not have the worst consequences. People in our lives are more precious than anything else, they need to be valued more than anything else. They don’t come back once they go. Once they go, the past with them troubles you and yes you regret what you did.

I am sorry to bore you yet again with the ranting but its a part of teenage babbling, unfortunately with happy times there are sad times as well. That’s what is life.

To the people who know me personally, family and friends, all of you are too precious for me, life would be meaningless without each one of you.

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When I grow up

*this is a sarcastic post, written just for fun, I don’t intend to be what I mention in the post. Enjoy reading.*

When I was a kid, I dreamt of being an aeronautical engineer, not knowing what it exactly meant. I just wanted to be an aeronautical engineer because Kalpana Chawla amazed me. I was a around 7 or 8 when the Colombia crashed, I decided to be the next Kalpana Chawla. Sigh! That dream is now never coming true, here I am on my way to be one of those million computer engineers, who could be doing anything but engineering. My hopes came crashing down. So now that I am nineteen I have thought what to do when I grow up, grow up as in when I am thirty and should be successful.

Since engineering isn’t my forte, and I am one of the fools who realized when it was too late. I don’t see myself working in a software company. I now think of being an entrepreneur, since my dad isn’t a millionaire he can’t gift me an industry on my 21st birthday. So after my graduation, I will go for post graduation and once I save up enough money after getting a job, I will open my own chain of cafes and then expand to a posh restaurant, where the morons driving Jaguars and Audis end up spending 20k on a meal.

I’d be one of those girl bosses the co-workers dread working with, when I enter the office, the cafe, they’d throw a warning to each other “the bitch is here, get back to work.” I will fire the guy talking on the phone, yeah I will be the pure evil witch like Sandra Bullock in The Proposal. I will be that hot aunty in her thirties envied by everyone, who wears only Guess, Prada, Versace clothes Gucci sunglasses,the six inch Jimmy Choo stilettos, tag heur watches and Ralph Lauren bags. And dare you call me an aunty. Oh and I forgot using Victoria secret make-up products, or do they have any better brands? I will start practicing the six inches stilettos and make-up right away, don’t want to end up falling while my manager are warning each other, and instead of saying the bitch is here, they will discuss my fall and make fun of the bandage on my forehead or broken teeth. How horrid will the broken teeth look!

The rest of the aunties will want to wear what I am wearing, they will ask who designed my party dress and I will shamelessly reveal that a top-notch bollywood fashion designers created it exclusively for a price that can’t be disclosed. The page 3 will be ruled by me and the gossip about the hottest bollywood star I am dating. I will snap at the media and ask them to get their facts right when they ask me about it.

As I hit forty I will definitely get a nose job to look better and get rid of the scar on my nose which I find very cool. When I start getting all wrinkly, I will get a botox, and laugh shrilly when someone asks the secret of my young looks. Life will be good, spent at parties drinking vintage wine from 1869. Also I will adopt a fake accent to look cooler.

Perfect, that’s what my future is going to be like. I am so looking forward to it, somebody please get me a job soon that helps me save up the money for my first cafe or if you are kind enough give the resources to open my first cafe. I will be nice and let you be my chief manager.

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The Valentine’s Post

*Disclaimer: I am not sure whether I pulled off this post well and it might not make sense, so be kind and don’t call me a fool after you are done reading*

With the Valentine’s day barely two days away I was asked by a friend “What do you think is love, how will you define it?’ I was at a loss of words and replied ” I am still looking for an answer to this question.” So what exactly is the meaning of this so four letter word used so frequently, and I am afraid so nonsensically. Here is what I will probably define love as:

- Knowing what one wants to say even before it is said and completing their sentences for them.

- Not promising but doing things, being there when someone needs you.Hugging in that reassuring manner, that makes one realize no problem is that big and no solution that hard to find.

-  Kicking a**  for choosing the wrong person and wiping the tears when you have had your heart broken both at the same time.

- Fighting for that last block of your favorite dark chocolate.

- Saying you deserve better than what you have and meaning that.

- Calling up at 2am to know if everything is okay after reading a despairing Facebook status.

- Putting your hands across one’s shoulder or squeezing their hand when a scene in the movie petrifies them.

- Giving the much-needed advices, listening to the whining and complaining.

- Posting on the facebook wall, frantic calls, texts when someone hasn’t heard from you in 24 hours.

- Someone who is an atheist tells you that he’d pray for you every time you take a new, important step in life because he knows that you are sentimental about it.

- Getting your favorite dish for you instead of their own lunch.

- Someone lightens your day by sending a one line email ‘How are you sweetheart?’ and everytime they do this, you’re left with a subtle smile on your face for the rest of the day.

- Listening to what made your day bad and your continous rambling, asking you to rleax and then giving you a well-deserved hug and  telling nothing is going to go wrong.  

- Staying up till midnight to be the first one to wish you on your birthday, when one crashes at 10 PM.

- Asking you to stop the crying because nothing and no one deserves your tears.

*Okay now you can go ahead and sue me for writing this post*

The Year End , Already ?

This year has already entered its last fortnight. It has gone by at the speed of lightning  , the time just flew by. I was trying to figure what I did this year. And surprisingly I did a lot , learnt a lot , gave up on a lot of things and tried on a lot more of new things and I don’t even remember half of the things . Here is a quick flashback of what I have been upto in 2011:

January : The first half of this month was vacation , perfect way to start a year . In the second half the second semester began. Pretty insignificant apart from the fact that I got into my first and only so-called relationship , which was  even more insignificant  than this month.

February: The EP!C idea came up in this lovely month . This is when Uncle V and I started working on the magazine. The month when I nearly stopped sleeping  . The best one because apart from EP!C , AIESEC too happened in February itself. Two things that changed my perspective on various things. This is when I learnt a lot if not the most.

March : The EP!C Magazine came up on 17 March , Uncle V’s birthday. It was a great beginning , can’t ever forget that day. The nervousness in the beginning of how the response would be for the magazine , the excitement , the overwhelming response. The celebration on the day was just amazing. Beautiful month. Somewhere in March also came my lowest point when I got my first semester results , something I want to forget forever.

April and May : Don’t remember much of it , usual college and exams I guess and the end of first year in college. Oh and I got my driving  license in April.

June : The summer of 2011 is the one I am never forgetting , the college training which was never taken seriously , the number of times we bunked college and had some crazy times. I watched every single movie with the gang  in June on the pretext of writing reviews for the magazine and then actually wrote the reviews. The drives to the neverland in the Jalopy began in June .

July : Vacations , did exactly what we did in June. Woke up late , slept late  , read a lot , wrote even more , typical holiday time.

August : The third semester began and I did not go to college much. Team Magik happened , my Organizing committee team for recruiting new people for the organisation (AIESEC) , I was Organizing Committee Vice president – Finance. It seemed difficult then but  now I miss being the part of the OC. Every day was new , eventful and exciting. There was a new beginning ,  new surprise , lesson every single day. There were times when we came back disappointed but then the team got back together the very next day to get into the battleground.

September : The OC ended somewhere in  the middle of September. The going at college got tough. It wasn’t the easiest semester , we had six subjects , all drove me crazy. A point when I started detesting college even more. EP!C suffered this month , for reasons I wont divulge into here.

October: Quite an eventful month , apart from handling the monstrous exams everything was amazing. Went for the Shimla trip at the end of this month and only the gang knows what happened before and after it . Although I think I did a lot of things I should not have but it was all worth risk. Sorry if I sound mysterious here.

November : Exams yet again , they just went by and I still fear what will be the outcome.

December: The first December that did not feel like December , its not cold at all apart from the slight chill in the evening and morning. Apart from that it has been quite explosive. The birthday in the first week , do you want to know more about it? The EP!C will be back this month after a long gap .Then rest of it has been happening too and here we are on 15th December ,2011 waiting for 2012 to come in and hoping the last fifteen days are just as awesome as the first 350 days have been.

The story of the phoenix

This is a completely random posts . Just writing a few things here , probably you already have read about it before if not ,  go ahead and read and even you do you need to read to know . When do I get most of my blogging ideas ? While I am in bed trying to sleep , while taking a shower or in the bus while going to college. And yes sometimes in classrooms too , depends on the quality of lecture being delivered . Like the one I’m typing right now is while I’m having another sleepless night and I’m typing it on my phone.

So when and why did I exactly start blogging? It was after class 12th when I was bored to death had no friends , school friends had joined colleges and I had not started with college so I hadn’t met the lovely bunch I now call my friends for life , that’s what drove me to write a blog and the phoenix was born or should we the phoenix rose from the ashes . What made me choose the name phoenix ? No clue , probably because I liked Fawkes a lot and found the phoenix really cool but to think of it I could have called myself Fawkes but phoenix it was and is . I find the bird phoenix very attractive , magnificent and interesting . It has a different kind of aura no creature falls in their category except maybe unicorns. I actually thought of getting a tattoo depicting a rising phoenix , but couldn’t get it , hopefully soon.

Then comes the question how did teenage babbling come up? Again no idea , I am still in my teens and wanted my blog to be something teen oriented so came teenage had to be there but babbling – I still wonder . Maybe because I babble and ramble a lot here.

Eventually I fell in love with writing , there is something about it that gives me a sense of satisfaction , I think I can express myself the best this way. And now I wish to have a career in this very thing. I started writing back in fifth grade and at that time it was stories , short stories. Very few people know this , I guess only one of my friends who read my stories . And she might have forgotten too. I have lost those stories , they were on a small notepad which I will never find just like my childhood. I know a saddist thought but I do miss being a kid , it was so easy. Then there was long time when I did not write till grade ninth when The Times of India gave our school a chance to publish their newspaper for a day and I was a part of the editorial team , we had our own edition on October 12 ,2006. Surprisingly I still remember the date , it was the most defining day of my life .

Then in twelfth came the blog , you obviously don’t want me to babble more about it and finally came the thing closest to my heart on 17th March , 2011 The EP!C Magazine was born. My very… correction OUR very own magazine. I was editing a whole magazine on my own , I got to read and learn a lot. There is always an excitement to know what a writer has to write for a new issue ,experiment , innovate things and implement them. EP!C goes beyond just writing its about editing , interacting with like minded people and a lot of other things.

And now a after a gap of three months we come up with the next issue of EP!C next month , the idiosyncratic citizens are back in business , back in the arena with our second innings .

I will stop writing now feeling sleepy finally although will publish this tomorrow morning after editing.

Bug me not

What is that one thing that irritates you the most ? What can provoke you to actually pull your hair out ? I figured out the few things that piss me off the most. And trust me I won’t show it to you but I really get mad at people who repeat these things .

On the top of the list is not getting replies. Replies when I ask you a question , text you , mail you or call you . How can you be so busy that  you can’t type a single message when you check your phone every five minutes or maybe five seconds? A reason I reply to all my mails and texts almost immediately is that I myself don’t like waiting for replies then why should I keep others waiting . You might think I have nothing to do but trust me you are never too busy to reply , the only exception being when you are in a mobile free zone. People even text when they are in class rooms and when at work so what refrains them from replying?

I just don’t understand when you can update a million pointless  statuses on facebook updating where you are partying or eating out why  can’t you reply to that important message someone send in your inbox. It might be important to that person , more important than knowing what you are having for your lunch.

Even worse is when people don’t reply professional mails , I mean why somebody does not check their work mail . I can’t stand not getting replies to my mails which are official. Although we Indians are not at all professional but its a different story altogether and deserves a different post.

So far I can count only two people I stopped replying to and that too after they literally got on my nerves , bugged me and irritated the hell out of me. And they will never read this post so relax if you know me and are reading this it is not you.

The second thing that I completely detest is – waiting . Yeah , I absolutely abhor waiting , when we decided to meet at certain point of time why can’t you turn up on time. Why keep yourself preoccupied and waste the other person’s time? It is okay when its an emergency but the chances of it being an emergency are only 0.0009% . Lord alone knows what can delay you by half an hour when we decided on doing something two days back. Maybe I am impatient but have a lot of things to do so please don’t keep me waiting . And oh SWAT its okay when I wait for you because most of our plans are made on the spot. I might crib but its okay .I even hate waiting for the light to turn green , so I might be at fault too.

The third thing that bugs me is littering .I have written about it before too. People around me try not litter when I am with them , my brother being an exception . Again why can’t we refrain ourselves from throwing the wrapper on the  roadside? Indian government is kind enough not to fine us for this but isn’t this something we should realise on our own?

Enough said ,I vent out a lot today , I will go study now and in the next post I have something exciting to announce and I know now you are going to bug me all my life if I get late by 5 seconds and keep you waiting .